Popingay

Kris plays Xmas advice columnist & answers all your burning holiday questions

Xmas is a very stressful time of year. Especially for advice columnists. Between the regular Xmas preparations and living their life, advice columnists are inevitably inundated with Xmas queries about stressful partners, families, and friends.

So, as a self-declared Xmas specialist, and advice-giver extraordinaire, I’ve decided to take over answering the world’s Xmas concerns. I’m putting on my Santa Hat of Advice and answering those wonderful advice columnists’ questions for them. Everyone deserves some time off. No need to thank me, your cheques made payable to me will be thanks enough.

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Dear Kris (Stand-in for Mrs. Web),

My boyfriend recently attended my family’s Christmas party. All my relatives were there. He wore old boots, jeans, old red sweatshirt, and an old green vest. He did not even comb his hair. I was a little embarrassed because he is such a handsome guy. What should I do?

Your boyfriend suffers from what we in the advice business call “straight man” syndrome. Perpetually confused about how to dress or care for himself, the straight man is a ticking time-bomb of sartorial embarrassment.

There’s only one solution: dump him, and dump him quickly. Then you must start hanging around the gay bars in loud clothing. When you’ve secured a new gay best-friend (by doing things like excessive complimenting, other ego pandering, and sharing your makeup), you will comfortably settle into the fag hag’s greatest position: the beard. He’ll use you to take to weddings, family Xmases, and all the like, and he will be fabulously dressed each and every time. You’ll be the cutest couple, and people will remark how perfectly you’re suited to one another. Especially how alike you are. In your love of penis.

Remember, this position is a sexless one, and you are only a figure served to further his narcissistic life, and are expected to defer your life to his. However, in exchange, you get a fabulous new accessory to match your wardrobe. Win-win!

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Dear Kris (Stand-in for Dear Prudence),

The holiday season is here and with it comes the awkward gift-giving. I am unemployed so my Christmas gift-giving is pretty much zilch, other than a few creative ideas I have for close family. I find myself in the awkward position of receiving a gift from someone that I cannot reciprocate back. I know during the holidays that people don’t give to get gifts, yet I feel terrible receiving an expensive gift card when I’m passing out cookies. Although I’m grateful, I feel like I can’t provide proper gifts, making me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I’ve even said please, no gifts. How can I encourage people to leave me out of the Christmas giving and not offend anyone? Happy Holidays!

There’s a simple and eloquent answer to this problem: make them leave you out of the gift-giving extravaganza. There are many ways to encourage people to do this, but it sounds like your awful, awful friends insist on giving you gifts of their own free volition (in exchange for handmade Xmas cookies—which apparently are worthless when you make them). The best way to ensure they don’t give you a gift is just be awful. Be an ass, and make them hate you. Are your friends liberal-types? Convert to the far Christian right, and insist on screaming at them every chance you get. Conservative types? Have a few abortions, and a gay marriage while you’re at it. Just all-around nice people? Kick them. Or kill their kid. Suddenly, you’ll notice that no one will have you as part of their gift-giving list, and it’ll only cost you a small amount of time (and a few felony charges). Hooray!

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Dear Kris (Stand-in for Mrs. Web),

Christmas is coming. My in-laws promised our children a trip to Disney as a Christmas present for the past two years. It never materialized. They kept putting the kids off. I noticed they didn’t put off any of their trips to Vegas or Florida, though. They just mailed us a note saying they are giving the children a trip to Disney this year. Should I tell the children, they are 9 and 13?

Absolutely tell them! They’re definitely going to Disney on vacation, and it’s happening right away. Here’s the deal: what you have to do is kill your in-laws. See? Murder is the solution to all of life’s problems! They’ve probably left you in the will (or at least your partner/children if they particularly hate you—or saw the murder coming) and killing them will free up all those moneys they’ve been blowing on trips to Vega and Florida. Are you going to let them waste your inheritance like that? Thought not. Now you can guarantee to take your kids to Disney! Merry Xmas! Also, just remember you may have to get rid of any pesky siblings-in-law if that might be a problem—you’re protecting both your kids’ Xmas dreams, and your future.

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Dear Kris (Stand-in for Dear Prudence),

A friendship of several years has inexplicably run its course. Nothing happened—she just got “too busy” and quit calling me or returning my calls, and now we haven’t spoken in many months. I have accepted this but am now wondering about a gift I gave her for Christmas a few years ago. It was handmade, took me a long time to craft, and was expensively framed. I have never asked for a gift back, but in this case, I strongly suspect it’s in a box in her basement, as she has recently moved. If she values it, then I absolutely want her to keep it. But would I be wrong to ask for it back if it is in said basement box and is likely to remain there for eternity?

Yes, yes it would be horribly wrong to ask for it back. It’s your property after all, your gift to give, and yours to take back. Why bother with the asking if it’s already yours to begin with. So here’s what you do: break into her basement in the dark of night, and steal the damned thing back. Then, if you’re feeling particularly spiteful finding it packed away unlovingly in the basement, you sneak up to her bedroom and give her a Xmas blanket party. Google it if you don’t know what that is. Done.

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Dear Kris (Stand-in for Dear Prudence),

I recently got engaged to a wonderful woman, and we are looking forward to our life together, especially our first Christmas. We recently received a Christmas card from my fiancee’s aunt and her family. It stated, “Our Christmas Wish to You Is To Keep Health Care Privatized.” My fiancee and I are very upset about this. We don’t mind that they have different political beliefs, but the fact that they’ve put them in a Christmas card is a huge breach of etiquette. I can’t think of any way to politely broach this issue with them, and skipping Christmas would alienate my future in-laws. Is a political statement in a Christmas card as bad as I think it is, and is there any way I can address this issue? My fiancee and I are both very frustrated.

Excuse me? This is a prime opportunity! Your future in-laws have thrown down the gauntlet and it’s time to escalate this war of ideologies, bitches. It’s a ridiculous Xmas card for sure, but they’ve definitely set you free to expound your political beliefs right back at them. My vote? Send them a jar containing a fetus aborted for free, or just donate in their name to an organization for universal health insurance if you want to be boring. Get creative! They’ve made the first strike, and now it’s your turn to return fire.

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I’m helping! Sometimes it feels really great to give back. Does anyone else have any burning holiday questions I can answer? All I want to do is help others help themselves.

[Kris will be entertaining everyone with a new Xmas-related post right up until Xmas. He often gives wonderful advice, but at the price that you must do exactly as he says. He’s watching. Like Santa. Only exclusively while you’re in the shower.]