Popingay

Gay “Dating” Online: A User’s Guide

The Internet: resource, magical land of wonder, secret lover. This wondrous invention has come to define not only our generation, but an entire society. Arguably, no one has benefitted more socially from the internet than the gays. The internet opened up an entire world to let gay people know we’re not alone; that there is hope and help out there; and that you’re perfect just the way you are.

Even better, though, is the way it revolutionized a gay boy’s favourite subjects: sex and dating. No longer were furtive glances with another boy in the locker room necessary, and cruising just became a word for driving on the highway, instead of a world of abject horrors found only in local park bushes, and holes drilled between dividers in filthy public bathrooms. Yes, the internet has completely changed the landscape where gay boys meet one another to knock boots, or, if you’re going to be euphemistic: “date”.

Navigating this world is sometimes difficult, and a little scary. So who better to help you than the internet’s leading gay-boy-asshole? By that I mean me. I am going to extricate my genitals from some guy’s mouth long enough to give you a hand (-job optional) in figuring where to find what you’re looking for whether it’s for sex, or even—yes—a date.

Craigslist.org
Tagline: “It’s not just for rape and murder anymore!”
Date Factor: 1/5
Slut Factor: 5/5

Craiglist is the equivalent of a mysterious Asian massage parlor with blacked out windows: it’s seedy, secretly embarrassing, and will get you off quietly and without a whole lot of work. Craigslist is internet sex for lazy people! Oh, and people who may or may not want to rape you, steal your things, or stab you repeatedly.

The no-glitz, anonymous postings for “casual encounters” are filled with people seeking to live out repressed fantasies, or have secretive liasons. Many are either cheating via Facebook, fooling around in the closet, or embarrassed about their kinky Furby fetish. At any rate, you’re liable to easily find some anonymous seedy sex on Craigslist quickly, and without a whole lot of work.

There is room for dating in the “men seeking men” section, but it’s really just more sex ads. Or you’ll attract a stalker who will find out where you work and send you creepy birthday cards. But that’s a story for another time.

Manhunt.net
Tagline: “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
Date Factor: 3.5/5
Slut Factor: 4/5

Manhunt is the quintessential go-to for gay personals. Its ubiquity has even inspired a parody in Another Gay Movie. The people on Manhunt range from those legitimately looking for fun people to meet, and people “looking for fun people to meet”. Although if you’re anything like me, you’ll just spend hours giggling over guys deriding slutty hookups only to have a giant penis or near-naked picture set as their profile picture. I’m pretending to be a zombie-killer in mine. I think that tells you what kind of person I am.

Really, the users of Manhunt don’t seem to know what they want, often telling people that they’d like a long-term relationship, or a hookup, or whatever all at the same time. It’s the kind of identity crisis typically ascribed to only the most high-functioning paranoid schizophrenics.

It’s a catch-all exposure for gay guys. Kind of like sending out a million headshots as an actor, only the sex you get back isn’t marred by tears as you press your face into the casting couch and tell yourself this is the sacrifice to make it big in Hollywood.

Squirt.org
Tagline: “Putting the ‘dirty’ back in ‘dirty slut-boy’.”
Date Factor: 0/5
Slut Factor: 6/5

If you’re anything like the local Historical Society, you treasure those old cultural artifacts that illustrate our past. So why not have a site dedicated to cruising in all its gloryhole-dirty-bathroom-park-bushes-truck-stop glory? Squirt is all about the retro revolution, and is the place to go to find out where your closest sex-bathroom is. It combines the thrill of dirty adventure with an incredible need to bathe immediately after in a vat of hand sanitizer.

PlentyofFish.com
Tagline: “We’re good people!”
Date Factor: 5/5
Slut Factor: 0/5

Sometimes we swing wildly in the other direction, and end up at an online dating site that doesn’t consider a ball gag, dark room, and lots of lube as first date essentials. Really.

The people on Plenty of Fish are genuinely looking to date people. Want a date? Go here! Sadly, a complete absence of slutty activities doesn’t leave a whole lot of comedic fodder. Let’s move on, shall we?

Grindr
Tagline: “Sex for lazy people. And stalkers!”
Date Factor: 0/5
Slut Factor: 8/5

Not really a website, but who can deny the now-common iPhone app that lets you not only see who around you is looking for sex, but where around you they are. It’s a stalker’s wet dream. Not only are the people on here looking exclusively for sex brought about by short-form iPhone messages, but you can see how convenient it’d be to do so!

I figure the Grindr formula goes something like this:

(Attractiveness of Subject) + (Desire for Sex)
——————————————————————-
           (Convenience) + (Distance)

Really, Grindr does nothing but pander to our already too-lazy society. I envision a future in which gay men will only have sex if the guy is both close, and offers drive-thru service. Otherwise I’m sure we’d be happier to turn over and make love to our bag of Funyuns. It’s the nightmarish extrapolation of our laziness epidemic, and I, for one, blame you Grindr for our dystopian future. Speaking of dystopian futures…

DudesNude.com
Tagline: “We mandate sluttiness.”
Date Factor: 0/5
Slut Factor: Eleventy-billion/5

This time the site name is not just a clever marketing ploy. DudesNude demands that you live up to its name in a way that I imagine would only happen if a fascist government ran gay hookup sites. Kind of like that futuristic porn I once wrote, directed, and starred in. But I digress.

Looking at its FAQs, DudesNude tells us:

These rules are here to preserve the spirit of the web site and also to make sure that everyone (people posting content and people viewing it) have fun here and that no offense is caused. please do your bit and stick to them!

public profile pictures required for membership:

• 2 or more pictures of yourself preferably taken at different times and in different situations
• at least 1 of these must be a clear overall body shot where you’re not fully clothed (at very least you should have your shirt off, pants or underwear are optional). this picture must be over 150 pixels wide
• a set of pictures that are just of your dick or your butt are not sufficient by themselves

I imagine that if you don’t comply, sexy robots will be deployed to ensure you follow the rules even if that means stripping you in front of a camera as you scream “WHY?!” into their cold, emotionless faces.

DudesNude not only wants you to be a whore, but it wants people to know that you are. It’s the online equivalent of The Scarlet Letter, only with penises instead of a big red “A”.

I could go on all day about this site’s use of Nazi Germany as inspirational material, but I think you can put two-and-two together. When you join DudesNude, you are inadvertently helping the sexy, sexy revolution that will ultimately lead to our enslavement at the hands of an uncaring shadowy board of figures who demand your sluttiness without any input from you.

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Obviously gay hookup and dating sites are the beginning of the end, and illustrate an increasing progression to horror. Remember: you’ve been warned.