The Mathematics of Attractiveness in Relation to Personality. Or, Gays Be Shallow Bitches!

7 Notes

Now, I’m no scientician, but leading experts of dateology assure me that there are mathematical laws governing desirability. Namely: “the attractiveness and personality required to render a person desirable are inversely proportional”. It pretty well explains how someone ends up an amateur online gay humourist in the sense that my most attractive qualification is being sort of funny at parties.

I think most people are aware of this scientific law. It’s the source of such-a-great-personality-isms when people concede that an individual isn’t the most attractive, but that their intelligence, wit, sense of humour, conversational ability, or interesting experiences make up for it. Or you’re just insulting them.

It’s not to say that there aren’t attractive people with good personalities, or ugly people who are boring, but rather that in order to make you a desirable love interest, you are required to either be proportionally more or less attractive or personable in relation to deficiencies in the other.

To help illustrate this point, I made a graph. Because graphs prove that I’m making a salient point, and that I can make math happen!

You just can’t argue with math.

There is nowhere you can see this better played out than in the gay world. Okay, well the straight world too, but I find sexual relations between heterosexual couples weird and alienating. It’s just not normal.

Let’s take subject A: a stunning specimen of a man (generically a twink, or a fit muscly guy). These are guys you see at the bar that look like they’ve been taken straight out of my dreams and brought into reality in a cruel mockery of my love life. Subject A is pretty.

That way, although he’s a giggling, twinky moron whose most profound thought is figuring out how to achieve a new shade of orange to match his bottle-blond hair, or he’s a muscle mary who struggles to enunciate beyond unintelligible grunts, we flock to them. Why? Because we want to bone them. Who cares if they couldn’t figure out if the four letter word on the door means push or pull? Subject A is sure to be hit on by every man entertaining the possibility of banging a guy who typically only tantalizes us normies from the screenshots of some porn movie.

Subject B is everyone else. Everyone except for the most gorgeous boys face the daunting task of developing a personality. This personality better be more and more fascinating the further away from the tree of good-looks you fall, peaking when you look like you were beaten with a branch from the tree of ugly (in which case you’d better be the most interesting person to ever have lived).

So, for example, I casually mention that I spent over a year working on a thesis deconstructing cultural representations of mental illness. That way all the boys overlook my physical flaws and drop trou for me on the dance floor. As if.

Because you see, to increase a unit of relative offsetting personality, you have to work harder than increasing a unit of hotness. That’s why you may, in the end, be better served hitting the gym or developing a sexy eating disorder than learning to speak Russian, or dedicating years to cataloguing the social behaviours of chimpanzees.

After all is said and done, all a gay boy really wants is someone hot. And if you want to make that hotness out of personality, well, let’s just say that I’m spending my time working on spinning plates on a stick between my teeth while juggling flaming chainsaws.