Popingay

29 Dimensions of Hell No

As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, I’m consumed with the burning desire to find a date for the big day; not necessarily someone to date, but more to aggravate my fellow single friends. This level of desperation has made me consider numerous online dating options with a special nod to Craigslist and Manhunt. I thought I’d exhausted every method of meeting guys over the internet, and was staring down the long barrel of finding real-life guys in bars or through friends. Quel horreur!

Until today. Some serendipitous name-drop made me remember that eHarmony promises life-long marriage between moderately attractive people involving such indulgent activities as bowling, opening a small business together, or reminiscing about meeting through an online dating service (Thank you, eHarmony commercials!). And thanks to a lawsuit, and public criticism, eHarmony opened its doors to us heathen gays with their newest site: Compatible Partners, whose name is only vaguely insulting in the way that an online dating service initially tied to the evangelical Christian community can be.

Besides, eHarmony, its founder, and its trademarks claim to find matches based on “29 dimensions of compatibility”. Who can argue with a quasi-scientific personality test that evaluates people based on questions no more complex than those found in the latest issue of Cosmo, and whose most discerning criterion is the perseverance to answer a never-ending stream of banal queries?

It’s science. And who can argue with it? Fuck you. That’s who.

So I decided to take a look at eHarmony’s famed 29-dimensions to see if I too could one day have my own non-threatening, cutesy marriage. The results are the reason I drink at night weeping into a box of chocolates.

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Emotional Temperament

1. Self-Concept
   I am obviously both the most important, and worthwhile person I know. It’s hard to fend off the hordes of people vying to tell me of my greatness, but I don’t need their assurance. My awesomeness if unquestionable.
2. Emotional Status
   I feel that my overwhelming addiction to prescription painkillers and alcohol may negatively influence this point. But it doesn’t matter. I’m awesome (see: above), and I don’t feel anything at all. Nothing except the soul-crushing pain of addiction.
3. Energy: Emotional
   God help you if you aren’t constantly up for something fun with me. Screw “recharging time”. I’m going to make you fun, even if I have to stuff animatronic parts into your skin to do so.
4. Obstreperousness
   I do love me some big words. Here, it “refers to a person’s tendency to find fault, to attribute blame to someone else, to make other persons wrong, and to portray them self as always right”. Dictionary.com defines it as “1. resisting control or restraint in a difficult  manner; unruly | 2. noisy, clamourous, or boisterous: obstreperus children”. I don’t think this word means what you think it means, eHarmony. You’re obviously wrong, and I’m definitely right. Suck it.
5. Passion: Romantic
   I am always a romantic person. Especially when I send the objects of my affection letters in the mail. Or dead flowers. Or kitten heads. Often when I’m standing over them while they sleep, they can feel the romance. So much so they barely struggle as I lower the pillow over their faces.

Social Style

1. Character
   I refuse to incriminate myself, and thus plead the Fifth. Or, since I’m in Canada, check out Charter 13. Pleading the Thirteenth just doesn’t have the same effect.
2. Kindness
   I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. Whether it’s a well-meaning shopper helping my bags into the trunk of my car before I hit them over the head with a tire-iron, and shove them in alongside my groceries, or a hobo I promised to take to the soup kitchen, but actually ended up performing inhumane experiments upon, I have always greatly admired kindness.
   
3. Dominance
   Depending on my mood I could be dominant or submissive. Whatever you want baby. Now lick my boot. Or make me lick yours. It’s all good.
4. Sociability
   I’ve often been referred to as a social butterfly. It’s really a cover for the seething cauldron of hate underneath, but I’m usually a fun person to have at parties.
5. Autonomy
   I’ve always been big on doing my own thing. Even if it contravenes the laws of man, country, or the Geneva Convention.
6. Adaptability
   I’m like a chameleon. I blend into every situation, and you’d never notice until it’s too late. I’m unassuming; like the butterfly. And nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

Cognitive Mode

1. Intellect
   I have always prided myself on my IQ of over 200. The baseline average for 100 is mayonnaise. That’s how it works, right?
2. Curiosity
   Curiosity killed the cat. And the boyfriend who went snooping about the forbidden West Wing of the castle. Until he sussed out my secrets, and healed my wounded heart.
3. Humour
   I’m fucking funny as fuck. If you don’t think so, I’ll show you how funny it is when your head is halfway up your ass. That’s having a good sense of humour. Everyone likes butt jokes!
4. Artistic Passion
   I have many unique artistic talents. From my abstract series of paintings inspired by Jeffrey Dahmer, to my love of the prepared piano played with the twelve-tone method. Trust me, the piano is by far the more terrifying of the two.

Physicality

1. Energy: Physical
   I’ve never found anything that couldn’t be solved with either a drive-thru or jabbing about with my fetching stick while lying in bed. Well, anything except bed sores that is.
2. Passion: Sexual
   You may have trouble keeping up with the sheer number of times I’m going to want to bang in a day. It’ll be tens of minutes of pleasure. And hours of wondering if that oozing sore will leave you with everlasting damage. Hint: it’s herpes.
3. Vitality and Security
   My physical health has never been better. My Big Mac-heavy diet has done wonders for my mid-section. Doctors have never been so amazed to see someone waddle in alive in such a state.
4. Industry
   I’m not lazy; I just advocate the judicious allocation of energy. I’m just more efficient is all.
5. Appearance
   I consider myself to be the most attractive person I know. When viewed through a fun-house mirror. Oh god, don’t look at me! I’m hideous! Fetch me my grain alcohol and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and for god’s sake don’t you dare stare at me with those judging eyes!

Relationship Skills

1. Communication Style
   Needlessly authoritarian. Next.
2. Emotion Management: Anger
   I’ve been working with my therapist to channel my rage issues into more productive tasks. I’ve so far made a new budget, and fashioned new foam anger-management bats out of the limbs of my therapist. It feels so good to do something productive with all that energy.
3. Emotion Management: Mood
   The other three of my personalities have mood management issues. I, Kris, am cool as a cucumber. But that could also be the fistful of valium I took.
4. Conflict Resolution
   I manage conflict well. No one has survived past the first disagreeing remark. Thus, no conflict. Kris: 1; Conflict: 0.

Values and Beliefs

1. Spirituality
   Strange voices talk to me all the time. It’s just the ghosts of my victims. No big. Oh, wait, are you talking about religion? I’m deeply dedicated to the tenets of Kabbalah. Not the complex system of Jewish mysticism. The Madonna kind; you know, the one with the cool red-string bracelet?
2. Family Goals
   I’ve always wanted a baby, whose life I could mould and shape to perfection. Sort of like I’d do to its skull before all the bones fuse. Look: conehead baby!
3. Traditionalism
   I have always placed heavy value on the importance of traditional social controls: authoritarian regimes, overbearing religion, and racism.
4. Ambition
   The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start, my love.
5. Altruism
   I want to give back to the world. There is no better way than recklessly releasing a virus which will start the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. Also unlocking all the cages of my terrifying mutant experiments. You’re welcome.

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Won’t someone love me?