Ke$ha: Can We Be Best Friends?

5 Notes

Dear Ke$ha,

You may have failed to become Paris Hilton’s BFF after the whole throwing up in her closet incident, but why would you want to be someone else’s BFF when there are plenty of people wanting to be yours. And by that I mean me.

Besides avoiding the whole aspect where I want to become you (and end up stuffing myself into your skin in a desperate attempt to be you just for a second before police gun me down thereby uniting us forever in death), I think that you’d be totally glad to have me as your gay best friend. Every girl needs one of us. We’re like the hottest accessory, and I can gay it up with the best of them.

I don’t think anyone else quite appreciates you for the artistic genius that you so obviously radiate. Together we could make beautiful music; or at least throw a damned good party. I, for one, am still nursing a nearly leg-length bruise I earned drunkenly attempting to break into my friend’s apartment by climbing onto her second-storey balcony Saturday night. My slippery shoes made it impossible to climb, so she wound up finding me on the balcony barefoot, and with my underwear in my pocket. The underwear thing’s a whole different story though. Ah, see? Classic you.

After seeing your new video for “Blow”, I knew that we were meant to be, and that there was absolutely nothing that could keep us apart. Not even the multiple restraining orders you’ve filed against me for some inexplicable reason.

Listen. The long and the short of it is that we could rock this world. I envision a long friendship full of animal masks, dumpster-inspired fashion choices, and side-by-side chemotherapy after all that glitter we inhaled over the years gives us cancer.

Think about it. I’m also happy to compete in a cut-throat reality TV show that will disturbingly live up to that description as other contestants disappear one by one, but that’s just because no one else loves you enough to kill for you.

So give me a ring, and let’s hang out. I can’t wait to run around a deserted motel watching people explode into coloured chalk dust. I’ve got the nitroglycerin and chalk water balloons all ready to go and everything. See? I’m always prepared. Check that off the friendship roster.

With undying love and admiration,

Your Future BFF,

Kris

P.S. - I can provide character references. I’m psychiatrically fit to stand trial in 38 states and parts of Canada!