Posts tagged with FABGLITTER

Posted 6 months ago

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If gay were a choice, I’d choose gay

It’s well-documented that being gay is not a choice, and considering the one Xmas I received a calculator instead of a Tamagotchi, I’m pretty sure the power of prayer is even less effective at keeping me away from penises. But considering a hypothetical world where sexual orientation and gender identity were a choice, I can conclusively say that I would pick gay again, and again, and again.

“Why would anyone want to be gay if they had the choice?” I’ve heard this argument from queer folks and pitying straights alike who think that being gay (although innate) is a recipe for a difficult life of secrets and discrimination. And I’m not going to say that there aren’t struggles for queer individuals. We live in a largely unfriendly world, and even though there are wonderful people, and things are changing, the reality is that the world is not a wonderland for those on the rainbowy side of life.

But I’d rather ask, if we’re talking about your religious-socially-conservative version of heterosexuality as the alternative: who in their right mind would choose to be straight?

Your straightness is a culture of no. Living your life according to rigid sexual and gender roles to maintain your fragile sense of sexuality, gender, and self. As a man only willing to like sports, cars, beer, and objectifying women because you’re afraid that your love of ballet would somehow destroy your straightness. Or declaring the very end of the world itself because your son painted his toenails pink or likes to play with makeup. Or making your worth directly correlated to your attractiveness or the fertility of your womb. Because your kind of straight tells you no, no you cannot do, like, enjoy, or want whatever is in your heart.

But gayness, queerness, is a culture of yes! Yes I can profess my deep-seated love of musical theatre and shirtless men dancing to electronic music. Yes I can also like sports, or fatty foods, or watching horror movies in my sweatpants.

And sexually? If I enjoy being pounded by a hairy man-beast while trussed up like a Christmas turkey, then god damn it our community will let me go for it. Because if you don’t like it, well then fuck you.

And we stand up for each other’s right to be individuals, to choose our own paths in life free from judgement, interference, or control. It might not be what I want per se, but if it’s how you are, then you damn well better be running down the street in spangly gold booty shorts shrieking Beyonce tunes at the top of your lungs and grabbing your genitals. Whether lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, or whatever permutation under the umbrella you are, or if you’re our equally important straight allies, we are the ones who say YES. YES, BE YOURSELF!

Because it’s not just the fight for me to be fabulously gay, but the right for me to be fabulously, and unabashedly me no matter what that looks like.

Go ahead, tell me my life is sad and hard, and no one would or should want it. Because me, and all those with me, know who really has it hard, and we’ve got each other’s backs while you are busy stabbing your own.

So ask yourself again if being gay is a choice. Because if it were, then who would ever choose to be straight?

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Posted 6 months ago

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Be a lesbian. Get all the boobs! Everyone loves boobs. Whatever your sexual or gender orientation, those irresistible funbags are just a good time for everyone. Many a gay man when drunk finds himself attracted to their magical allure in a wholly non-sexual and yet still molesty way. And that says nothing about the straight men and lesbian lovers of boobs. Even straight women fall under their mammary magic and a bicurious thought or two may pass through her head. That is why every lady should be a lesbian. Join us and keep a monopoly on boobs; a boob hoarding of epic proportions if you will. Be a lesbian, and you will have all the boobs!  —- This has been a Public Service Announcement to inform, educate, and actively recruit new members to the queer community. We at Popingay are determined to make the world a little bit gayer one piece of propaganda at a time. Also, refer three friends and get a free ice cream cone*! *-Offer does not imply actual offer of ice cream and in no way obligates anyone to purchase, give, or find ice cream for the referrer. The standard make-a-queer-get-a-toaster offer still applies. See store for details. Void where prohibited. No cash value. [Original image source: Wikimedia Commons.]

Be a lesbian. Get all the boobs!

Everyone loves boobs. Whatever your sexual or gender orientation, those irresistible funbags are just a good time for everyone. Many a gay man when drunk finds himself attracted to their magical allure in a wholly non-sexual and yet still molesty way. And that says nothing about the straight men and lesbian lovers of boobs. Even straight women fall under their mammary magic and a bicurious thought or two may pass through her head.

That is why every lady should be a lesbian. Join us and keep a monopoly on boobs; a boob hoarding of epic proportions if you will. Be a lesbian, and you will have all the boobs! 

—-

This has been a Public Service Announcement to inform, educate, and actively recruit new members to the queer community. We at Popingay are determined to make the world a little bit gayer one piece of propaganda at a time. Also, refer three friends and get a free ice cream cone*!

*-Offer does not imply actual offer of ice cream and in no way obligates anyone to purchase, give, or find ice cream for the referrer. The standard make-a-queer-get-a-toaster offer still applies. See store for details. Void where prohibited. No cash value.

[Original image source: Wikimedia Commons.]

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Posted 6 months ago

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3 Notes

Join the Gavy! More buttsex than the real Navy. (We know. We’re surprised too.) Thanks to the the good work of the Village People, and with enough jokes about seamen and phallic submarines to sink a ship, the Navy is as good a place to start as any to find us some new gay recruits. The Gavy offers uniforms with jaunty sailor hats and short-shorts, and offers more men than you can shake a stick at. Or penis as it were. Duties include swabbing the deck, hoisting the sails, manning the keel, battening down the hatches (whose hatches? Who cares? We don’t judge), and other nautical-themed innuendo (jokes may require some assembly). Join today and get a free life-jacket* because you cannot, surprisingly, fuck your way to successful ship navigation. We lost 3 ships before we figured that one out. —- This has been a Public Service Announcement to inform, educate, and actively recruit new members to the queer community. We at Popingay are determined to make the world a little bit gayer one piece of propaganda at a time. *-Offer does not imply actual offer of life jacket and in no way obligates anyone to purchase, give, or find ice cream for the referrer. The standard make-a-queer-get-a-toaster offer still applies. See store for details. Void where prohibited. No cash value. Zoom Image

Join the Gavy! More buttsex than the real Navy. (We know. We’re surprised too.)

Thanks to the the good work of the Village People, and with enough jokes about seamen and phallic submarines to sink a ship, the Navy is as good a place to start as any to find us some new gay recruits. The Gavy offers uniforms with jaunty sailor hats and short-shorts, and offers more men than you can shake a stick at. Or penis as it were.

Duties include swabbing the deck, hoisting the sails, manning the keel, battening down the hatches (whose hatches? Who cares? We don’t judge), and other nautical-themed innuendo (jokes may require some assembly).

Join today and get a free life-jacket* because you cannot, surprisingly, fuck your way to successful ship navigation. We lost 3 ships before we figured that one out.

—-

This has been a Public Service Announcement to inform, educate, and actively recruit new members to the queer community. We at Popingay are determined to make the world a little bit gayer one piece of propaganda at a time.

*-Offer does not imply actual offer of life jacket and in no way obligates anyone to purchase, give, or find ice cream for the referrer. The standard make-a-queer-get-a-toaster offer still applies. See store for details. Void where prohibited. No cash value.

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Posted 6 months ago

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Fellow LGBTQ(etc.) people, isn’t it time we came out of the closet? No, I’m not talking about coming out as LGBTQ, queer, People Who Don’t Suck™, and/or  FABGLITTERs. I’m talking about coming out with the real truth about the gay/queer agenda, and it’s every bit as nefarious as those social conservatives thought. Our rainbow-encrusted crusade began with the simple recognition of our existence. Try as they might, crazy people with nothing better to do than fret about the romantic and sexual lives of other people were never able to stamp our bright flame out. Instead they forced us to the fringes of society and pretended we weren’t there. Driven underground, it was not until Stonewall that our struggle to be seen came to a head: we were here, we were queer, and oh my god we were lighting shit on fire. Our time was here, and through riots, demonstrations, and tireless work of many people, in the coming decades we came out of the closets and into the streets. The people who had hated and ignored us for so long suddenly realised that we did indeed exist, but years of false calm had left them weak, and we needed to feed. The streets ran red with blood as we sank our fangs… wait, that’s vampires. Sorry. But we are like vampires in two ways:  People fear us (and, uh, I guess our deadly spangly pants?) We can only grow by recruiting fresh blood. Well, social and religious conservatives, you were right. Gold star! Unable to reproduce by ourselves, we must convert straight people to our glittery ways. I mean, gay people never come from straight people. Instead we convert good little heterosexual boys and girls, and turn them into raging queerosexuals. Although you might believe this involves some terrible sort of face-hugging alien to force eggs down your throat, that was all in the past; thanks to new technology, we have come a long way in ensuring a much more pleasant assimilation for all of you. You see, we’ve perfected it by making any tiny, seemingly insignificant, contact with queerness to be a gateway into rampant ass-fucking, scissoring, gender-bending glory. And you didn’t even know it. Boy gets his nails painted pink? BAM! Queer for life. Lady walks into a Home Depot? BAM! Muff diver. Boy takes a cooking class? BAM! The only thing he’ll be packing is fudge. And it all starts with the little things: Legalize gay marriage? Well, then everyone will want one. Because everyone is really gay underneath it all. Teach kids in school about LGBT history, or worse yet tell them it’s okay to be queer? Then they’ll all be gay! Just like handing out condoms makes teens have sex against their will. Pass anti-discrimination legislation? Without the legal right to openly hate on an entire group of people based on immutable characteristics, whom do we have left to hate? I mean, we have to hate someone. (I personally believe it should be mouth-breathers.) So why should we come out and reveal our devious plan to turn the world into gay-land? Because it’s never been a friendlier time for queer folks. There’s gay marriage (in some places), anti-discrimination legislation, and science has come down on the side of prayer being as effective on erasing gayness as it is on willing away herpes. And that means it’s time to introduce our final solution: open recruitment. No longer are we satisfied to subtly recruit people through the protection of freedom and individual liberties, now we want you to join us, and we want you to know! I, and the rest of the FABGLITTER ARMY are embarking on a mission to openly change your sexuality via persuasive propaganda and the promise of a free bag of confetti. We are coming out, and we are coming for you. Zoom Image

Fellow LGBTQ(etc.) people, isn’t it time we came out of the closet? No, I’m not talking about coming out as LGBTQ, queer, People Who Don’t Suck™, and/or  FABGLITTERs. I’m talking about coming out with the real truth about the gay/queer agenda, and it’s every bit as nefarious as those social conservatives thought.

Our rainbow-encrusted crusade began with the simple recognition of our existence. Try as they might, crazy people with nothing better to do than fret about the romantic and sexual lives of other people were never able to stamp our bright flame out. Instead they forced us to the fringes of society and pretended we weren’t there.

Driven underground, it was not until Stonewall that our struggle to be seen came to a head: we were here, we were queer, and oh my god we were lighting shit on fire.

Our time was here, and through riots, demonstrations, and tireless work of many people, in the coming decades we came out of the closets and into the streets. The people who had hated and ignored us for so long suddenly realised that we did indeed exist, but years of false calm had left them weak, and we needed to feed. The streets ran red with blood as we sank our fangs… wait, that’s vampires. Sorry.

But we are like vampires in two ways:

  1.  People fear us (and, uh, I guess our deadly spangly pants?)
  2. We can only grow by recruiting fresh blood.

Well, social and religious conservatives, you were right. Gold star! Unable to reproduce by ourselves, we must convert straight people to our glittery ways. I mean, gay people never come from straight people. Instead we convert good little heterosexual boys and girls, and turn them into raging queerosexuals. Although you might believe this involves some terrible sort of face-hugging alien to force eggs down your throat, that was all in the past; thanks to new technology, we have come a long way in ensuring a much more pleasant assimilation for all of you.

You see, we’ve perfected it by making any tiny, seemingly insignificant, contact with queerness to be a gateway into rampant ass-fucking, scissoring, gender-bending glory. And you didn’t even know it.

  • Boy gets his nails painted pink? BAM! Queer for life.
  • Lady walks into a Home Depot? BAM! Muff diver.
  • Boy takes a cooking class? BAM! The only thing he’ll be packing is fudge.

And it all starts with the little things:

  • Legalize gay marriage? Well, then everyone will want one. Because everyone is really gay underneath it all.
  • Teach kids in school about LGBT history, or worse yet tell them it’s okay to be queer? Then they’ll all be gay! Just like handing out condoms makes teens have sex against their will.
  • Pass anti-discrimination legislation? Without the legal right to openly hate on an entire group of people based on immutable characteristics, whom do we have left to hate? I mean, we have to hate someone. (I personally believe it should be mouth-breathers.)

So why should we come out and reveal our devious plan to turn the world into gay-land? Because it’s never been a friendlier time for queer folks. There’s gay marriage (in some places), anti-discrimination legislation, and science has come down on the side of prayer being as effective on erasing gayness as it is on willing away herpes.

And that means it’s time to introduce our final solution: open recruitment.

No longer are we satisfied to subtly recruit people through the protection of freedom and individual liberties, now we want you to join us, and we want you to know! I, and the rest of the FABGLITTER ARMY are embarking on a mission to openly change your sexuality via persuasive propaganda and the promise of a free bag of confetti.

We are coming out, and we are coming for you.

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    Posted 10 months ago

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    150 Notes

    People Who Don’t Suck™

    One primary struggle of our queer community has nothing to do with rights, violence, or society: it’s what in the hell we’re going to call ourselves. The community runs the gamut of sexual and gender expressions and orientations, and it seems like every day there’s a new label to toss on that pile, and quite frankly I’m tired of eating alphabet soup. Right now, we’re looking down the barrel of LGBTTTTQQAAKPGGO in all its permutations depending on whom you ask:

    L - Lesbian
    G - Gay
    B - Bisexual
    T - Transgender
    T - Transsexual
    T - Transvestite
    T - Two-Spirited
    Q - Queer
    Q - Questioning
    A - Ally
    A - Asexual
    K - Kinky
    P - Polyamorous
    G - Gender non-conforming
    G - Genderqueer
    O - Omnisexual

    And like a bad infomercial, just wait: there’s more! Everyone has some newfangled label to add to the mix, and I can barely remember just the basics.

    As a community, we’ve tried going the route of queer as an umbrella term: something that I linguistically and socio-culturally defend, but not everyone is comfortable with the term, and it’s a source of controversy itself, even with the Popingay Stamp of Approval™.

    I, personally, still advocate the use of FABGLITTER as the term we use to refer to our community. It hasn’t really taken off, but you try saying FABGLITTER out loud without clapping your hands in child-like glee.

    The problem is that our community encompasses the veritable rainbow of sexual and gender expressions, and everyone wants a bite. And I am a huge proponent that we include allies in our community’s descriptor as a key part of our rainbow. And no matter what you label yourself as, there’s really only one group left when we umbrella-ize our community: heterosexual people who suck.

    Being that our community word is a kind of negative definition (defined by what it’s not) in this case, then I propose a new, all-inclusive rainbow word to encompass our community in its entirety:

    People Who Don’t Suck™

    What better descriptor do we have for our group? When the only people not in the group are heterosexual people who suck, I think it’s only fair to refer to ourselves as the Community of People Who Don’t Suck™.

    The end-game of our fight for rights and inclusion is that we will not have to define ourselves as a community of outsiders any longer, and everyone will just be People Who Don’t Suck™, but the next time someone asks you, “what do you think about XYZ in the queer/LGBT(etc.)/FABGLITTER community?”, I suggest you tell them you much prefer being referred to under the umbrella of People Who Don’t Suck™, and let the inevitable satisfaction wash over you.

    So, who’s with me on the long, winding road to not sucking?

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