Popingay

Valentine’s Cards From Kris

Nothing says “I love you” like a card. Or at least that’s what Hallmark will have us believe. And nothing says “I love you, but this time with effort” like making your own. These are for you.

My cards feel like the soft whisper of “I love you” on your ear. As you sleep peacefully in your chloroform-induced haze.

You’re welcome.

Do you feel the love?

29 Dimensions of Hell No

As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, I’m consumed with the burning desire to find a date for the big day; not necessarily someone to date, but more to aggravate my fellow single friends. This level of desperation has made me consider numerous online dating options with a special nod to Craigslist and Manhunt. I thought I’d exhausted every method of meeting guys over the internet, and was staring down the long barrel of finding real-life guys in bars or through friends. Quel horreur!

Until today. Some serendipitous name-drop made me remember that eHarmony promises life-long marriage between moderately attractive people involving such indulgent activities as bowling, opening a small business together, or reminiscing about meeting through an online dating service (Thank you, eHarmony commercials!). And thanks to a lawsuit, and public criticism, eHarmony opened its doors to us heathen gays with their newest site: Compatible Partners, whose name is only vaguely insulting in the way that an online dating service initially tied to the evangelical Christian community can be.

Besides, eHarmony, its founder, and its trademarks claim to find matches based on “29 dimensions of compatibility”. Who can argue with a quasi-scientific personality test that evaluates people based on questions no more complex than those found in the latest issue of Cosmo, and whose most discerning criterion is the perseverance to answer a never-ending stream of banal queries?

It’s science. And who can argue with it? Fuck you. That’s who.

So I decided to take a look at eHarmony’s famed 29-dimensions to see if I too could one day have my own non-threatening, cutesy marriage. The results are the reason I drink at night weeping into a box of chocolates.

—-

Emotional Temperament

1. Self-Concept
   I am obviously both the most important, and worthwhile person I know. It’s hard to fend off the hordes of people vying to tell me of my greatness, but I don’t need their assurance. My awesomeness if unquestionable.
2. Emotional Status
   I feel that my overwhelming addiction to prescription painkillers and alcohol may negatively influence this point. But it doesn’t matter. I’m awesome (see: above), and I don’t feel anything at all. Nothing except the soul-crushing pain of addiction.
3. Energy: Emotional
   God help you if you aren’t constantly up for something fun with me. Screw “recharging time”. I’m going to make you fun, even if I have to stuff animatronic parts into your skin to do so.
4. Obstreperousness
   I do love me some big words. Here, it “refers to a person’s tendency to find fault, to attribute blame to someone else, to make other persons wrong, and to portray them self as always right”. Dictionary.com defines it as “1. resisting control or restraint in a difficult  manner; unruly | 2. noisy, clamourous, or boisterous: obstreperus children”. I don’t think this word means what you think it means, eHarmony. You’re obviously wrong, and I’m definitely right. Suck it.
5. Passion: Romantic
   I am always a romantic person. Especially when I send the objects of my affection letters in the mail. Or dead flowers. Or kitten heads. Often when I’m standing over them while they sleep, they can feel the romance. So much so they barely struggle as I lower the pillow over their faces.

Social Style

1. Character
   I refuse to incriminate myself, and thus plead the Fifth. Or, since I’m in Canada, check out Charter 13. Pleading the Thirteenth just doesn’t have the same effect.
2. Kindness
   I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. Whether it’s a well-meaning shopper helping my bags into the trunk of my car before I hit them over the head with a tire-iron, and shove them in alongside my groceries, or a hobo I promised to take to the soup kitchen, but actually ended up performing inhumane experiments upon, I have always greatly admired kindness.
   
3. Dominance
   Depending on my mood I could be dominant or submissive. Whatever you want baby. Now lick my boot. Or make me lick yours. It’s all good.
4. Sociability
   I’ve often been referred to as a social butterfly. It’s really a cover for the seething cauldron of hate underneath, but I’m usually a fun person to have at parties.
5. Autonomy
   I’ve always been big on doing my own thing. Even if it contravenes the laws of man, country, or the Geneva Convention.
6. Adaptability
   I’m like a chameleon. I blend into every situation, and you’d never notice until it’s too late. I’m unassuming; like the butterfly. And nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

Cognitive Mode

1. Intellect
   I have always prided myself on my IQ of over 200. The baseline average for 100 is mayonnaise. That’s how it works, right?
2. Curiosity
   Curiosity killed the cat. And the boyfriend who went snooping about the forbidden West Wing of the castle. Until he sussed out my secrets, and healed my wounded heart.
3. Humour
   I’m fucking funny as fuck. If you don’t think so, I’ll show you how funny it is when your head is halfway up your ass. That’s having a good sense of humour. Everyone likes butt jokes!
4. Artistic Passion
   I have many unique artistic talents. From my abstract series of paintings inspired by Jeffrey Dahmer, to my love of the prepared piano played with the twelve-tone method. Trust me, the piano is by far the more terrifying of the two.

Physicality

1. Energy: Physical
   I’ve never found anything that couldn’t be solved with either a drive-thru or jabbing about with my fetching stick while lying in bed. Well, anything except bed sores that is.
2. Passion: Sexual
   You may have trouble keeping up with the sheer number of times I’m going to want to bang in a day. It’ll be tens of minutes of pleasure. And hours of wondering if that oozing sore will leave you with everlasting damage. Hint: it’s herpes.
3. Vitality and Security
   My physical health has never been better. My Big Mac-heavy diet has done wonders for my mid-section. Doctors have never been so amazed to see someone waddle in alive in such a state.
4. Industry
   I’m not lazy; I just advocate the judicious allocation of energy. I’m just more efficient is all.
5. Appearance
   I consider myself to be the most attractive person I know. When viewed through a fun-house mirror. Oh god, don’t look at me! I’m hideous! Fetch me my grain alcohol and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and for god’s sake don’t you dare stare at me with those judging eyes!

Relationship Skills

1. Communication Style
   Needlessly authoritarian. Next.
2. Emotion Management: Anger
   I’ve been working with my therapist to channel my rage issues into more productive tasks. I’ve so far made a new budget, and fashioned new foam anger-management bats out of the limbs of my therapist. It feels so good to do something productive with all that energy.
3. Emotion Management: Mood
   The other three of my personalities have mood management issues. I, Kris, am cool as a cucumber. But that could also be the fistful of valium I took.
4. Conflict Resolution
   I manage conflict well. No one has survived past the first disagreeing remark. Thus, no conflict. Kris: 1; Conflict: 0.

Values and Beliefs

1. Spirituality
   Strange voices talk to me all the time. It’s just the ghosts of my victims. No big. Oh, wait, are you talking about religion? I’m deeply dedicated to the tenets of Kabbalah. Not the complex system of Jewish mysticism. The Madonna kind; you know, the one with the cool red-string bracelet?
2. Family Goals
   I’ve always wanted a baby, whose life I could mould and shape to perfection. Sort of like I’d do to its skull before all the bones fuse. Look: conehead baby!
3. Traditionalism
   I have always placed heavy value on the importance of traditional social controls: authoritarian regimes, overbearing religion, and racism.
4. Ambition
   The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start, my love.
5. Altruism
   I want to give back to the world. There is no better way than recklessly releasing a virus which will start the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. Also unlocking all the cages of my terrifying mutant experiments. You’re welcome.

—-

Won’t someone love me?

My life of infirmity: The Münchausen path to love

The path to love is not the same as the path to sex. Sex only requires some carefully placed lies, or at the very most carefully placed pills in someone’s drink. The worst thing you could deal with is them waking up; that’s what the rope and chloroform is for. Love requires long-term manipulation and is best sustained through a cycle of abuse, and active manipulation. That’s why I’m introducing to you my patented relationship-creation method: The Münchausen Method (TMM). This is also referred to as the “help, I have a life-threatening illness requiring application of this salve to my penis with your mouth” method. Just in time to begin planting the seeds for a lifetime of emotional hostage-taking.

If you’re anything like me, a raging narcissistic megalomaniac, then your only wish is to be waited on hand and foot. And what better than convincing your lover to tend to your every frailty? It combines the sociopath’s love of emotional manipulation with the excuse to never again get out of bed.

The method involves a simple 5-step sequence:

1. Identify a victim.
2. Foster trust and love with this person.
3. Fall suddenly ill with a never-ending series of vague, unidentifiable symptoms. I suggest fibromyalgia, or chronic fatigue syndrome.
4. Ensnare the victim in a web of guilt: blame him for being healthy, for not attending to your enough, for seeing friends and family, for resenting your condition, and any other assortment of emotional weaponry.
5. Enjoy a lifetime of indentured servitude. Until he shoots himself in the head out of desperation. Milk that for everything it’s worth.

Sometimes your love-victim may begin to waver in his dedication, or indicate signs of leaving you. These include: smiling, relaxed posture, and a renewed interest in life. This must be avoided at all costs. You want a beaten-down hollow husk of a man. This may require more extreme methods such as eating glass, downing bottles of pills, and falling down the stairs in a desperate attempt to keep him from leaving. Make him understand that if he fails to remain forever in your clutches, that you’ll die and he’ll spend the rest of his life with the memory of directly causing the death of another human being. And your ghost.

With some minor sacrifices you too can apply The Münchausen Method to ensure that no one will ever leave you again.

Ever.

[I’m not convinced this article’s really solid. I’d been playing around with it for a bit, but I haven’t nothing else to post at the moment. I promise I’ll do better next time. Just please don’t beat me, mommy.]

Desperately Seeking Kris: Kris Answers Craigslist Missed Connections Postings

I have yet to be featured in one of the Missed Connections postings on Craigslist, as evidenced by the lack of guys looking for a guy wearing grammar-centric t-shirts. My ego, however, refuses to accept that people have not been desperately seeking me with the fervour of an 80’s-era movie character, and has instead substituted my person in for the actual object of the poster’s desire. The results leave everyone with a little less faith in humanity.

—-

Cute guy walking through ICT - m4m - 22

Cute guy in a toque walking through ICT… Made eye contact, and smiled. Anything behind that? 

Funny you should ask. To be honest, no. Not even a little. The only thing behind that smile is the cold, empty machinations of a developing psychopath. However, I did think you were cute, and if you’d let me take you out, I’d love to meet you in a private, dark location without cell phones or telling anyone about it. You know, to preserve the mystery.

—-

Blue shirt with friends - m4m

You were wearing the blue shirt at the back corner with your friends. I saw you looking my way a few times. Just wanted to say your hot

Yuri? Is this you? I was told that you were my contact with the Russians. 

 My hot what? I’m confused. But I see your message was cut off right as you were about to tell me something about a hot possession of mine. You’ve been captured, and the mission is off. Bite your cyanide capsule immediately. I’m sorry you won’t live to see our date. I will remember you every time I hear your name. Which really isn’t all that often. Doesn’t matter, you’re obviously a terrible spy.

—-

Pushed you and then apologized - m4m - 19

Hi, i was at twisted element tonight and was dancing with some girls by the dj booth. Ive never seen you at that club before but you pushed me or something was happenign and i really pushed you back hard. Then i apologized :) because im not a dick. Anyways i know of coarse this is going to be a long shot but i figure if its meant to happen it will, you were wearing a blue shirt probs around my age or 20.

Oh hey. I remember you. Never has someone’s bipolar aggression made me feel so turned on. I mean, shoving me, and then apologizing? I felt like a little girl on the schoolyard playground. Or really any lady in the 1950s. In fact, I was so impressed that I’m sure it was fate that brought us together like that. I’m excitedly waiting to be your future battered husband.

—-

There is love out there for everyone, and even if you’re stabbing in the dark, I, a person completely unrelated to your quest, will be happy to answer that call. Just make sure to tell your loved ones that you love them. As much as possible. Because you never know when I’ll be waiting: outside your house, watching you shower, or hovering ominously over your bed at night. I’d get that snore checked out.