Posts tagged with Queer

Posted 6 months ago

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If gay were a choice, I’d choose gay

It’s well-documented that being gay is not a choice, and considering the one Xmas I received a calculator instead of a Tamagotchi, I’m pretty sure the power of prayer is even less effective at keeping me away from penises. But considering a hypothetical world where sexual orientation and gender identity were a choice, I can conclusively say that I would pick gay again, and again, and again.

“Why would anyone want to be gay if they had the choice?” I’ve heard this argument from queer folks and pitying straights alike who think that being gay (although innate) is a recipe for a difficult life of secrets and discrimination. And I’m not going to say that there aren’t struggles for queer individuals. We live in a largely unfriendly world, and even though there are wonderful people, and things are changing, the reality is that the world is not a wonderland for those on the rainbowy side of life.

But I’d rather ask, if we’re talking about your religious-socially-conservative version of heterosexuality as the alternative: who in their right mind would choose to be straight?

Your straightness is a culture of no. Living your life according to rigid sexual and gender roles to maintain your fragile sense of sexuality, gender, and self. As a man only willing to like sports, cars, beer, and objectifying women because you’re afraid that your love of ballet would somehow destroy your straightness. Or declaring the very end of the world itself because your son painted his toenails pink or likes to play with makeup. Or making your worth directly correlated to your attractiveness or the fertility of your womb. Because your kind of straight tells you no, no you cannot do, like, enjoy, or want whatever is in your heart.

But gayness, queerness, is a culture of yes! Yes I can profess my deep-seated love of musical theatre and shirtless men dancing to electronic music. Yes I can also like sports, or fatty foods, or watching horror movies in my sweatpants.

And sexually? If I enjoy being pounded by a hairy man-beast while trussed up like a Christmas turkey, then god damn it our community will let me go for it. Because if you don’t like it, well then fuck you.

And we stand up for each other’s right to be individuals, to choose our own paths in life free from judgement, interference, or control. It might not be what I want per se, but if it’s how you are, then you damn well better be running down the street in spangly gold booty shorts shrieking Beyonce tunes at the top of your lungs and grabbing your genitals. Whether lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, or whatever permutation under the umbrella you are, or if you’re our equally important straight allies, we are the ones who say YES. YES, BE YOURSELF!

Because it’s not just the fight for me to be fabulously gay, but the right for me to be fabulously, and unabashedly me no matter what that looks like.

Go ahead, tell me my life is sad and hard, and no one would or should want it. Because me, and all those with me, know who really has it hard, and we’ve got each other’s backs while you are busy stabbing your own.

So ask yourself again if being gay is a choice. Because if it were, then who would ever choose to be straight?

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Posted 6 months ago

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5 Notes

Be a lesbian. Get all the boobs! Everyone loves boobs. Whatever your sexual or gender orientation, those irresistible funbags are just a good time for everyone. Many a gay man when drunk finds himself attracted to their magical allure in a wholly non-sexual and yet still molesty way. And that says nothing about the straight men and lesbian lovers of boobs. Even straight women fall under their mammary magic and a bicurious thought or two may pass through her head. That is why every lady should be a lesbian. Join us and keep a monopoly on boobs; a boob hoarding of epic proportions if you will. Be a lesbian, and you will have all the boobs!  —- This has been a Public Service Announcement to inform, educate, and actively recruit new members to the queer community. We at Popingay are determined to make the world a little bit gayer one piece of propaganda at a time. Also, refer three friends and get a free ice cream cone*! *-Offer does not imply actual offer of ice cream and in no way obligates anyone to purchase, give, or find ice cream for the referrer. The standard make-a-queer-get-a-toaster offer still applies. See store for details. Void where prohibited. No cash value. [Original image source: Wikimedia Commons.]

Be a lesbian. Get all the boobs!

Everyone loves boobs. Whatever your sexual or gender orientation, those irresistible funbags are just a good time for everyone. Many a gay man when drunk finds himself attracted to their magical allure in a wholly non-sexual and yet still molesty way. And that says nothing about the straight men and lesbian lovers of boobs. Even straight women fall under their mammary magic and a bicurious thought or two may pass through her head.

That is why every lady should be a lesbian. Join us and keep a monopoly on boobs; a boob hoarding of epic proportions if you will. Be a lesbian, and you will have all the boobs! 

—-

This has been a Public Service Announcement to inform, educate, and actively recruit new members to the queer community. We at Popingay are determined to make the world a little bit gayer one piece of propaganda at a time. Also, refer three friends and get a free ice cream cone*!

*-Offer does not imply actual offer of ice cream and in no way obligates anyone to purchase, give, or find ice cream for the referrer. The standard make-a-queer-get-a-toaster offer still applies. See store for details. Void where prohibited. No cash value.

[Original image source: Wikimedia Commons.]

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Posted 6 months ago

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6 Notes

Fellow LGBTQ(etc.) people, isn’t it time we came out of the closet? No, I’m not talking about coming out as LGBTQ, queer, People Who Don’t Suck™, and/or  FABGLITTERs. I’m talking about coming out with the real truth about the gay/queer agenda, and it’s every bit as nefarious as those social conservatives thought. Our rainbow-encrusted crusade began with the simple recognition of our existence. Try as they might, crazy people with nothing better to do than fret about the romantic and sexual lives of other people were never able to stamp our bright flame out. Instead they forced us to the fringes of society and pretended we weren’t there. Driven underground, it was not until Stonewall that our struggle to be seen came to a head: we were here, we were queer, and oh my god we were lighting shit on fire. Our time was here, and through riots, demonstrations, and tireless work of many people, in the coming decades we came out of the closets and into the streets. The people who had hated and ignored us for so long suddenly realised that we did indeed exist, but years of false calm had left them weak, and we needed to feed. The streets ran red with blood as we sank our fangs… wait, that’s vampires. Sorry. But we are like vampires in two ways:  People fear us (and, uh, I guess our deadly spangly pants?) We can only grow by recruiting fresh blood. Well, social and religious conservatives, you were right. Gold star! Unable to reproduce by ourselves, we must convert straight people to our glittery ways. I mean, gay people never come from straight people. Instead we convert good little heterosexual boys and girls, and turn them into raging queerosexuals. Although you might believe this involves some terrible sort of face-hugging alien to force eggs down your throat, that was all in the past; thanks to new technology, we have come a long way in ensuring a much more pleasant assimilation for all of you. You see, we’ve perfected it by making any tiny, seemingly insignificant, contact with queerness to be a gateway into rampant ass-fucking, scissoring, gender-bending glory. And you didn’t even know it. Boy gets his nails painted pink? BAM! Queer for life. Lady walks into a Home Depot? BAM! Muff diver. Boy takes a cooking class? BAM! The only thing he’ll be packing is fudge. And it all starts with the little things: Legalize gay marriage? Well, then everyone will want one. Because everyone is really gay underneath it all. Teach kids in school about LGBT history, or worse yet tell them it’s okay to be queer? Then they’ll all be gay! Just like handing out condoms makes teens have sex against their will. Pass anti-discrimination legislation? Without the legal right to openly hate on an entire group of people based on immutable characteristics, whom do we have left to hate? I mean, we have to hate someone. (I personally believe it should be mouth-breathers.) So why should we come out and reveal our devious plan to turn the world into gay-land? Because it’s never been a friendlier time for queer folks. There’s gay marriage (in some places), anti-discrimination legislation, and science has come down on the side of prayer being as effective on erasing gayness as it is on willing away herpes. And that means it’s time to introduce our final solution: open recruitment. No longer are we satisfied to subtly recruit people through the protection of freedom and individual liberties, now we want you to join us, and we want you to know! I, and the rest of the FABGLITTER ARMY are embarking on a mission to openly change your sexuality via persuasive propaganda and the promise of a free bag of confetti. We are coming out, and we are coming for you. Zoom Image

Fellow LGBTQ(etc.) people, isn’t it time we came out of the closet? No, I’m not talking about coming out as LGBTQ, queer, People Who Don’t Suck™, and/or  FABGLITTERs. I’m talking about coming out with the real truth about the gay/queer agenda, and it’s every bit as nefarious as those social conservatives thought.

Our rainbow-encrusted crusade began with the simple recognition of our existence. Try as they might, crazy people with nothing better to do than fret about the romantic and sexual lives of other people were never able to stamp our bright flame out. Instead they forced us to the fringes of society and pretended we weren’t there.

Driven underground, it was not until Stonewall that our struggle to be seen came to a head: we were here, we were queer, and oh my god we were lighting shit on fire.

Our time was here, and through riots, demonstrations, and tireless work of many people, in the coming decades we came out of the closets and into the streets. The people who had hated and ignored us for so long suddenly realised that we did indeed exist, but years of false calm had left them weak, and we needed to feed. The streets ran red with blood as we sank our fangs… wait, that’s vampires. Sorry.

But we are like vampires in two ways:

  1.  People fear us (and, uh, I guess our deadly spangly pants?)
  2. We can only grow by recruiting fresh blood.

Well, social and religious conservatives, you were right. Gold star! Unable to reproduce by ourselves, we must convert straight people to our glittery ways. I mean, gay people never come from straight people. Instead we convert good little heterosexual boys and girls, and turn them into raging queerosexuals. Although you might believe this involves some terrible sort of face-hugging alien to force eggs down your throat, that was all in the past; thanks to new technology, we have come a long way in ensuring a much more pleasant assimilation for all of you.

You see, we’ve perfected it by making any tiny, seemingly insignificant, contact with queerness to be a gateway into rampant ass-fucking, scissoring, gender-bending glory. And you didn’t even know it.

  • Boy gets his nails painted pink? BAM! Queer for life.
  • Lady walks into a Home Depot? BAM! Muff diver.
  • Boy takes a cooking class? BAM! The only thing he’ll be packing is fudge.

And it all starts with the little things:

  • Legalize gay marriage? Well, then everyone will want one. Because everyone is really gay underneath it all.
  • Teach kids in school about LGBT history, or worse yet tell them it’s okay to be queer? Then they’ll all be gay! Just like handing out condoms makes teens have sex against their will.
  • Pass anti-discrimination legislation? Without the legal right to openly hate on an entire group of people based on immutable characteristics, whom do we have left to hate? I mean, we have to hate someone. (I personally believe it should be mouth-breathers.)

So why should we come out and reveal our devious plan to turn the world into gay-land? Because it’s never been a friendlier time for queer folks. There’s gay marriage (in some places), anti-discrimination legislation, and science has come down on the side of prayer being as effective on erasing gayness as it is on willing away herpes.

And that means it’s time to introduce our final solution: open recruitment.

No longer are we satisfied to subtly recruit people through the protection of freedom and individual liberties, now we want you to join us, and we want you to know! I, and the rest of the FABGLITTER ARMY are embarking on a mission to openly change your sexuality via persuasive propaganda and the promise of a free bag of confetti.

We are coming out, and we are coming for you.

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    Posted 9 months ago

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    5 Notes

    It’s blue skies and rainbows here in Calgary after the official release of Project Blue Sky, an It Gets Better-esque video project sending encouraging messages to queer youth. The fundraiser release party was a smashing success, and they raised a ton of money for local queer youth group Misc Youth.

    I have to tip my hat off to the wonderful Morgan Worth, founder and driver of this project. She’s just brilliant. And possibly magic.

    You can check me out at 5:11, and I’ve been enraptured by myself all morning. You will be too. Granted, I did watch the release with terror since I couldn’t remember what I said in the filming, but I wasn’t a raging jackass. So there’s that.

    And I swear I’m not just pushing the project because I won a raffle gift bag at the release party worth over $100. Though I imagine screaming, “Yay! It was rigged” wasn’t the best idea.

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