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Gossip Guy: How To Convince Your Partner To Let A Third In Bed

So, you’d like to coax your partner into getting naughty and nasty with a third party? It could be an extremely difficult goal to attain. However, if your partner is very open-minded and sexually explicit, initiating a threesome can be a very simple task.

Threesomes aren’t for everyone

First off, if your significant other isn’t a very sexually open-minded individual, then it’s quite unlikely that they’ll be bringing another person home any time soon. For instance, if they don’t accept you cumming on their face, swallowing, or worse yet, using tongue altogether, then we suggest that you don’t even bother suggesting the idea of a threesome.

If you do broach the topic and they’re less than enthusiastic about the idea, then it’s likely that you’ll end up having your own little threesome for some time to come — you and both of your hands. After all, if they refuse to let in you in sexually and explore together, why in the world would they accept another person in the boudoir?

Sorry people, but some partners will simply refuse to get involved in a situation that they believe is a potential threat to their relationship. If you know your partner well, then you can probably predict whether or not they’d be delighted with the idea of licking another person’s privates, or better yet, watching another person lick yours.

Double your pleasure

For the rest of you who are pretty sure that your partner will be keen on the idea of bringing another sexy individual into the bedroom, here’s the lowdown on how to bring up the idea.

Before anything, remember that you shouldn’t act overenthusiastic; otherwise your partner might feel like this is your way of saying, “I want to cheat on you — with your permission, of course.” No matter how you bring it up, make sure that your partner knows that they are what matters most.

Gradually begin discussing sex and sexual fantasies. Put your fantasies out on display so that they can get an idea of what you like. When you begin discussing the date for three, don’t say something like: “I’ve always wanted to bang two guys/guys at the same time!” You should know what to say and the repercussions of being part of a threesome.

Load the lingo

Instead say something like: “I would love to see you kissing another man/woman.” This will flatter them and they won’t feel threatened or as though you’re dying to get into another person’s pants. This way, you get the bonus of joining in at some point once they’re into it.

Your objective here is to make them understand that you do not want another person (even though that’s probably the furthest thing from the truth), you simply want the experience of two partners.

Now, if you’re lucky enough to have the opportunity to set something like this up, they obviously have to be the decision-maker on who the other person will be.

Oh, and a word of advice for the oblivious at heart: Don’t, I repeat don’t push for someone considerably more attractive than your partner. They will only feel insecure and renege on the whole idea and once again, you’ll be left with the “lonely palms” ordeal.

Three may be a crowd

The following are the potential repercussions that may come with engaging in a threesome:

• You’re left out: It’s possible that the two people may be getting off on each other so intensely that they’ll forget you’re even in the room. Believe us, it happens more often than you think.
• You lose respect for them: After the experience, it’s possible that they may move from being the “person I’m going to marry” to the “party boy/girl.” There are chauvinists amongst us and when we see a person doing questionable things sexually, we habitually judge and condemn them for it. Blame it on years of evolution, or a lack thereof.
• They become extremely jealous: Depending on how things go, your partner can become very jealous because you either paid too much attention to the other person or the other person paid too much attention to you.
• You become extremely jealous: Because you may get left out of the entire tryst altogether, you may become jealous due to the fact that you were neglected.
• Your relationship disintegrates: It’s possible that you or they will realize that perhaps there’s someone out there who is better suited to your needs — at least sexually speaking.

Well, there you have it: a nice and easy way of attaining what you want through cunning means. Remember that there may be some serious repercussions following the ordeal so make certain that this is what you really want.

Gossip Guy, you know you love me -xoxo

[Somewhere in his busy schedule of threesomes and sex advice, Gossip Guy finds time to lend the odd article. I’ve yet to convince him of letting me into one of his many personal threeways, but I am banking on the fact that drugging two people still makes it a threeway. Math is our friend.]

5 Online Gay Profile Photo Types With Sinister Undertones

In the alternately sexy and terrifying world of online dating there is no more important part to your profile than the profile photo. I’m sorry, we are a shallow, visually-driven culture of gay boys, and I don’t particularly care if we match on 29 ridiculous dimensions, because even if we have a personality match made in heaven, if your appearance makes me cringe in horror in a way only replicable by waking up next to the Burger King King Mascot, well, I’m pretty sure we aren’t going to get along.

Because I will never stop screaming from unimaginable terror.

Everyone knows how to carefully comb through their selection of personal photos to present themselves in the best light. And others resort to the infamous Myspace Angle. And why shouldn’t we? Put your best foot forward, and all that.

It does, however, open the door to some common seemingly-attractive profile photo types which belie their potentially horrible underbellies. Thankfully you have me to guide you through these possible pitfalls. I have used my extensive online profile crawling experience to list the 5 most common illusory profile photo types.

There is no limit to the number of random internet men I’ll bone in the name of consumer protection. I’m a giver.

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1. The Shirtless Torso
Translation: “With a paper bag and a light switch, I’m a total 10.”

The shirtless torso is a mainstay of guys who have something to hide, but are also total man-sluts. This profile photo type applies to a guy who is either cheating on someone (or is “straight”), is older but with an excellent body, or has something terrifyingly wrong with his face. That last one we call “Gary Busey Syndrome”.

This one isn’t a total wash. Depending on how attractive you find the torso, and whether you’re okay with a poorly-lit, paper-bag accessorized situation, you may have yourself a pretty good deal. Dude is down to get down. Just make sure that eye contact is kept to a minimum.

2. The Professional Photo
Translation: “I totally stole this photo of a porn star, or model whose image was unfortunately available on a royalty-and-permission-free stock photo site.”

I’ve always been confused about guys who use someone else’s photo for their profile. I mean, did you think that between saying yes and arriving at your house I was suddenly stricken with amnesia, but am still somehow wanting and willing to blow you?

This one’s pretty easy to spot. If the lighting, makeup, and photo touch-ups are too good, it’s likely that this is a professional photo ripped off a porn star or model. At best it’s some virulent narcissist who commissioned professional photos of himself in probably the most awkward Walmart Photo Studio appointment ever, or at worst it’s the picture of the victim the person last murdered and whose skin he’s now wearing while luring you into his trap.

All I can say for certain is that if you hook up with someone who is using a fake profile photo, the next time your loved ones see you it’s likely you will be chopped into small pieces encased in cement that unexpectedly wash ashore on the side of a river.

3. Hat & Sunglasses
Translation: “I’ve been charged with over 28 counts of sexual assault. Or I’m a spy.”

There’s nothing quite as unsettling as a photo with a guy in a hat and sunglasses. It’s a pretty basic way to disguise how you look, which pretty well merges all the worst attributes of the shirtless torso and the professional photo, only this time with the thin veneer of honesty.

All I can imagine is someone looking like this hanging around a playground surrounded by small children, and I’m pretty sure you can see where I’m going with this. Hint: it can only end in a “very special episode”.

Really, there are plenty of ways people can hide on their online profiles, and most of it is innocuous enough: you think you have too many crow’s feet, your nose is crooked, you have a receding hairline. No one is perfect, and you shouldn’t be ashamed about what you look like in order to attract someone. Plus, it’ll help separate the insecure from the terrifying Craigslist Killer types.

4. Such a Pretty Face
Translation: “As Jen Lancaster wrote: ‘a poster-child for such-a-pretty-face-isms’.” 

Unlike the nudity-fascists at Dudes Nude, not every site requires you to be in some way naked for acceptance into its folds. And thus is born the ultimate weapon of the “but you have such a pretty face” individual: the headshot.

Really it’s kind of the opposite of the shirtless torso. Instead of being a butter-face (a phrase that oddly doesn’t work with men—buthisface?), you’re kind of an only-the-face kind of person. Whether you’re hefty with that genetic gift for perfectly formed facial features, or you’re disguising the purple alien tentacle protruding from the chest, this man is definitely hiding something below the neck.

At least if you confine him to under the covers you’ll be okay just staring at that pretty face.

5. Incomprehensible Horror
Translation: “Run, oh for the love of god, leave the children and save yourself!”

And sometimes the boy is likely to turn you into a human flesh animatronic puppet. Or beat you to death under suspicion of being a zombie. Potentially a sociopathic serial killer, the person brave enough to advertise himself in a bloody shirt carrying a baseball bat can be nothing but good news. Right?

As the pillow slowly lowers over your face, you’ll live to regret that tragic, tragic mistake.

Footsies & Its Appeal. Or Lack Thereof.

I’m sorry, but I don’t find footsies that sexy an activity. Granted, it may be because I’m not a raging foot fetishist, but having once stuck half a guy’s entire foot into my mouth in a fit of manic sexuality, I think I’m warranted to ignore that. What? I have a really big mouth; and that’s not at all what you’re asking is it?

Footsies (for those of you with severe socialization issues) is a type of flirtation where you kind of nudge and rub your foot and play around with the feet and legs of your paramour. Doesn’t mean I don’t idly do it, but it has all the sex appeal to me of its description: dirtying someone’s pant leg as you try and copulate with a phallic object that’s not a penis. It creates all the same mess, and without any of the fun. Particularly if you live in Canada, where it’s snowy and dirty most months of the year.

I’ve heard some sexy footsies stories, and it sounds like some people have such mastery of the dexterity of their feet that my only explanation is that they’ve had some horrific surgery to reach that adeptness.

Four-handed handjob with your sexy hand-feet? Sign me up.

But really, for me, I think it may be an ego thing. I’m just not very good at it. I have all the grace and motor control of a spastic individual undergoing a grand mal seizure. I’m liable to kick my object of affection square in the shin as much as I am unlikely to entice him with the sexy, sexy meeting of our respective shins.

I guess it’s not repulsive, but rather it’s not something I crave. I don’t sit around musing that I could really go for some footsies right now. After all, it’s not cookies. Or date rape.

The Mathematics of Attractiveness in Relation to Personality. Or, Gays Be Shallow Bitches!

Now, I’m no scientician, but leading experts of dateology assure me that there are mathematical laws governing desirability. Namely: “the attractiveness and personality required to render a person desirable are inversely proportional”. It pretty well explains how someone ends up an amateur online gay humourist in the sense that my most attractive qualification is being sort of funny at parties.

I think most people are aware of this scientific law. It’s the source of such-a-great-personality-isms when people concede that an individual isn’t the most attractive, but that their intelligence, wit, sense of humour, conversational ability, or interesting experiences make up for it. Or you’re just insulting them.

It’s not to say that there aren’t attractive people with good personalities, or ugly people who are boring, but rather that in order to make you a desirable love interest, you are required to either be proportionally more or less attractive or personable in relation to deficiencies in the other.

To help illustrate this point, I made a graph. Because graphs prove that I’m making a salient point, and that I can make math happen!

You just can’t argue with math.

There is nowhere you can see this better played out than in the gay world. Okay, well the straight world too, but I find sexual relations between heterosexual couples weird and alienating. It’s just not normal.

Let’s take subject A: a stunning specimen of a man (generically a twink, or a fit muscly guy). These are guys you see at the bar that look like they’ve been taken straight out of my dreams and brought into reality in a cruel mockery of my love life. Subject A is pretty.

That way, although he’s a giggling, twinky moron whose most profound thought is figuring out how to achieve a new shade of orange to match his bottle-blond hair, or he’s a muscle mary who struggles to enunciate beyond unintelligible grunts, we flock to them. Why? Because we want to bone them. Who cares if they couldn’t figure out if the four letter word on the door means push or pull? Subject A is sure to be hit on by every man entertaining the possibility of banging a guy who typically only tantalizes us normies from the screenshots of some porn movie.

Subject B is everyone else. Everyone except for the most gorgeous boys face the daunting task of developing a personality. This personality better be more and more fascinating the further away from the tree of good-looks you fall, peaking when you look like you were beaten with a branch from the tree of ugly (in which case you’d better be the most interesting person to ever have lived).

So, for example, I casually mention that I spent over a year working on a thesis deconstructing cultural representations of mental illness. That way all the boys overlook my physical flaws and drop trou for me on the dance floor. As if.

Because you see, to increase a unit of relative offsetting personality, you have to work harder than increasing a unit of hotness. That’s why you may, in the end, be better served hitting the gym or developing a sexy eating disorder than learning to speak Russian, or dedicating years to cataloguing the social behaviours of chimpanzees.

After all is said and done, all a gay boy really wants is someone hot. And if you want to make that hotness out of personality, well, let’s just say that I’m spending my time working on spinning plates on a stick between my teeth while juggling flaming chainsaws.